With so many people in this world, you’d think that making meaningful connections with others would be easier than it is.  Sure physically it happens frequently. Like, on the daily. We’re all running around this same maze of life, like little pinballs, colliding at certain moments and then quickly departing. You bump into someone at the grocery store reaching for the same can of beans on the shelf. You wait patiently in your car as someone attempts to pull into the parking spot just up ahead. You stand in line sandwiched in between people again, and again, and again. So it seems almost crazy that true and meaningful connections don’t happen more often. 

I set my alarm for 4:45am most mornings. I leave this morning time as an opportunity for creating. In the moment I’m creating content. For the long-term I’m creating an opportunity to eventually connect. My hope is that with a little bit of coffee, a cozy blanket and some soft lamp mood lighting, I’ll be able to create some piece of content to put out into the world, that someone will hopefully cling to. Hopefully, as in, it will give them a small piece of hope – that they are not alone. That’s the idea anyway. That’s my hope. I suppose my hope is that I’m not alone either.

So whether we like it or not, making a connection with someone else requires effort. Since we can’t control other people’s effort, we’re nudged to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, what can I do to make myself available to connect with others? Here are just a few ideas I’ve clung to over the years:

Share a story:

You are more than your LinkedIn profile. So many times I’ve been inspired when I learn of a coworkers true passions. They’re an Accountant posting debits and credits during the day, but they’re true passion is selling art prints on Etsy. They’re analyzing business spend Monday through Friday while raising money for the charity that fuels them with real meaning. Sure, knowing your way around a spreadsheet serves an important purpose, but that’s not the thing that builds friendship (at least not for me). What is something you could share with others that would give them a glimpse into who you are? A family photo. Something that makes you laugh. It doesn’t have to be huge or all of the skeletons in your closet. It just has to feel like you got a little bit vulnerable on share day, and now that it’s out there, you feel a bit more proud of yourself. Honestly, to obtain that feeling, it doesn’t take much.

Be vulnerable:

Being vulnerable is terrifying. Trust me, I get it. Writing a memoir, at least one that gives the reader some real and tangible takeaways, must get vulnerable. Staying reserved isn’t necessarily staying safe. It actually might be the reason you’re staying exhausted. Trying to hold in all your feelings and only showing people a surface version of yourself, it can be tiring. Each move or lack of movement is strategic and requires a decent level of hand holding. Say this, not all of that. Smile, but not too much. I suppose if you’re used to being closed off, it might be less of a time consuming effort to stay tight lipped. If so, maybe that’s your sign that you should invest more time trying something different.

Practice:

Remember, we’re pinballs. There will be many opportunities to practice making connections.  You don’t have to lay it all out there all of the time. I don’t tell everyone I meet that my son died. I may want to, but I’ve learned over time that it doesn’t always work out the way I want it to and repeatedly opening myself up to that sting isn’t the best for my mental state. Starting small and starting over each time, still counts. Share your favorite dessert with someone. Share the best part of your weekend. Share how you’re feeling. Share any feeling at all really. Have you ever worked with someone you couldn’t figure out? Yeah, I think it’s frustrating too.

Listen:

As a chronic oversharer, I feel like I have to make more of a conscious effort on this one. As you get more used to sharing, it starts to be a bit more free flowing. Sometimes you have to stop the flow so that someone else can get their words in. If they’re practicing being vulnerable (see ‘Practice’ above), their words are also a practice of bravery. Honor that. Let them speak. Their words are an integral part of what makes a connection for you. Finding something in their words, leads to the potential for a longer term relationship. At least one with more meaning. Their words can allow you to make a choice to stick around. What could you have in common? What makes you think they might understand you? Listen for it.

Remember:

It can often feel like we’re all just spewing words. Heck, a lot of the time we are. Oh humans. But when we can go back and remember something that someone said, it lets them know that what they said held meaning for someone else. It had an impact. That’s pretty special. 

Release expectations:

Ah, the wonderful world of “shoulds”. So many times, we see someone that checks all the boxes. We have a child in the same grade – check. We have the same profession- check. We both grew up in a small town. All of these points are good conversation starters, but not the slam dunk for a meaningful connection. Yes, I realize that would make it a lot easier and certainly helpful. We have a tendency to take these surface level similarities and run with them. But have you ever been having a conversation with a “similarity” and they say something that you’re categorizing as “left field” because people like us wouldn’t say that? Suddenly you’re panicking because you’ve already committed to several more new friend dates (back when you had so many similarities).  I know, it’s the worst.

It’s okay to take a pause and sit on your newfound connection. Enjoy the similarities but give it some time before you invite them to Thanksgiving. We don’t have to commit ourselves so wholeheartedly after the first meeting. Dating is okay. Commitment can wait. And the opposite can be true, so you don’t want to miss out. You could meet someone you have nothing in common with. Shall I say, opposites? Yet, you find yourselves bumping into each other and sharing a laugh. Or a smile. Sometimes that’s the thing that will send you two colliding into friendship at a later date. Stay open, table the expectations and forget the rules.