I got up to write. Then I didn’t. I opened my laptop and the first screen I saw was my email. How very Zen. As if staring at email for nine hours of my workday isn’t enough.

Google Analytics was telling me the Juggling Rainbows website had issues with ‘page indexing’. Well shoot. Better get that fixed immediately. I clicked the hyperlinks in the email as if I was going down a rabbit hole of quick simplicity. One click led to twenty clicks led to cuss words led to self doubt led to no writing led to feeling inadequate led to really despising the word ‘indexing’.

Why was I so focused on “fixing” the past pages?

First thought: to avoid writing new ones.

Second thought: Something is broken, so of course now that I know about it, it must be fixed before life can move forward (tossing my superhero cape).

Other thoughts: all of my past writings have been part of my journey with grief and if they can’t be found as intended, what meaning do they have? What is all this for?

Okay Laura, slow your roll.

I’d like to make an announcement. I’d like to stop indexing. Indexing can suck it.

I love visiting the past. The memories. My loved ones. But indexing? Finding the right code, the right category, the correct space. I just can’t. In fact, I shouldn’t.

I’m going to leave pieces “unindexed”.

For my emotional well being and in the hopes of writing forward, I need to. Time better spent would be writing the warranted Google disclaimer about the emotional toll involved in ‘indexing’.

If you feel like you’re indexing in your own life, here’s your permission to stop it. You don’t need to correct anything. It’s all perfectly found in that big heart of yours.

#indexing #jugglingrainbows #GoogleAnalytics #writeforward #griefjourney